psychology

Bereavement

Published by Bupa's health information team, August 2007. This factsheet is for people who have been bereaved, or who would like information about bereavement. Bereavement describes the sense of grief and loss you experience when someone close to you dies. When this happens, you go through a process of mourning - numbness, anger and sadness can all be a part of this. Bereavement can also cause physical reactions including sleeplessness, loss of energy and loss of appetite. Grief is normal When someone is bereaved, they usually experience an intense feeling of sorrow called grief. People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. Experts believe that if you don't grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you. This can lead to emotional problems, and even physical illness later on. Working through your grief can be a painful process, but it's often necessary to ensure your future emotional and physical wellbeing. The stages of grief There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal. The stages of grief aren't distinct, and there is usually some overlap between them. Feeling emotionally numb is often the first reaction to a loss. This may last for a few hours, days or longer. In some ways, this numbness can help you get through the practical arrangements and family pressures that surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long it can become a problem. Numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the person who has died. For example, every time the phone rings you might expect it to be the person who has died, or you may think you see him or her on the bus or in crowds. You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you had with that person or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed. This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the dead person. Over time, the pain, sadness and depression start to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again. Although it's important to acknowledge there may always be a feeling of loss, you learn to live with it. The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and carry on with your life, though it may not be exactly the same as it was before. Your sleeping patterns and energy levels return to normal. Children and bereavement Children are aware when a loved one dies and they feel the loss in much the same way as adults do. Although children go through similar stages of grief, they may progress through them more quickly. Understandably, some people try to protect children from the death and grieving process. But in fact, it's probably better to be honest with children about your own grief, and encourage them to talk about their feelings of pain and distress. How long does grieving take? The grieving process can take some time. How long it takes depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it usually takes one to two years to recover from a major bereavement. Coping with the grieving process There are many things you can do to help yourself cope during this time. Ask for help and support from family, friends or a support group. Try to express whatever you are feeling, be it anger, guilt or sadness. Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control. Avoid making major decisions - your judgement may be affected and changes could increase your stress levels. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. By doing so, you are able to mourn properly and avoid problems in the future. What if you aren't coping? Sometimes, the grieving process is especially difficult. Some find it impossible to acknowledge the bereavement at all, which can mean that their feelings aren't worked through properly. This sometimes happens after a miscarriage or abortion. It may also happen if you don't have time to grieve properly, perhaps because of work pressures or if you are looking after your family. Others may be unable to move on from their grief, or remain in the numb stages of grief, finding it hard to believe the person is dead for years. Such difficult grieving can lead to recurring bouts of depression, loss of appetite and even suicidal feelings. According to Mind (the National Association for Mental Health), you are more likely to have a difficult grieving process if: you are on your own and have no support from your community, family, or friends you have unresolved issues with the person who died the death was caused by a particularly difficult event such as a national disaster or an unsolved murder the person goes missing or it isn't clear exactly what happened you are unable to attend the funeral or there isn't one Other circumstances around the death can lead to a difficult grieving process. These include: a sudden or unexpected death the death of a parent when you are a child or adolescent miscarriage or the death of a baby death due to suicide the death of a co-habiting partner, same sex partner or partner from an extra-marital relationship, where the relationship may not be legally recognised or accepted by family and friends deaths where the bereaved may be responsible situations where a post-mortem or an inquest is required more than one death at once (for example, in an accident) the death of an absent or estranged parent or sibling Getting help from your GP Bereavement is probably one of the toughest things we have to face in life. But while it's a very painful time, you can usually pull through it without needing to see a doctor. However, if, for example, you find that you're sleeping badly, and this goes on for long enough to affect your daily life, talk to your GP. He or she may prescribe you with some sleeping tablets for a few nights. These are only for short-term use though. If your feelings of depression are worsening, and are seriously affecting your energy, appetite and sleep, your GP may prescribe antidepressants. For more information, see Related topics. There are also other useful talking therapies that can help. These include bereavement counselling and support groups where you can meet with other people who have been bereaved. These can be invaluable in helping you come to terms with your loss, and many boroughs offer such bereavement services. Helping family or friends If somebody in your family or a friend has been bereaved, the best thing you can do is spend time with them and listen to them work through their grief. Offer practical help, such as cooking dinner or shopping for food - when a person is grieving, it's usually hard to focus on everyday tasks. You might feel awkward because you don't know what to say to the bereaved, but just being there will be a great help and lets them know that you care and haven't forgotten. If the person is reacting in extreme ways for a prolonged period, encourage him or her to talk their GP about it. <<<< BACK